God Called Me Yesterday

God called me yesterday. I was really surprised. I guess I didn’t expect him to use the phone.

Ring, ring!

"Hello."

"Hello, John?"

"Yes—I hope this isn’t a political poll!"

"Oh, no—those were invented by one of my angels—the Fallen One, actually. No, this is really God." He sounded a lot like Johnny Carson. "God—you know—Your Father Who Art in Heaven, In Me You Trust, Me of Your Fathers Living Still, Holy of Holies—that one."

Well, He had my attention now. "Oh, good morning, uh—how should I address You, Sir?"

"G. A. would be all right. I like the initials—it’s a little more informal than God Almighty, don’t you think? How would you like to be called?"

"John is fine, Sir . . I mean G. A."

"Okay, John. Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m calling. So I’ll tell you. I’m not selling anything, and I’ll only take up a few minutes of your time. Here’s the deal. I’m very upset with the Human Race right now, and I’m wondering what to do about them. Some of my advisors have suggested that I just blow you all to Hell, but I prefer to be known as a Loving God—y’know, My eye is on the sparrow and all that. Fire and flood and apocalypse seems so . . Old Testament!"

"Well, I must say, G. A., You’ve been pretty patient with us for the past ten thousand years."

"Of course, John—but remember, a thousand years is but a day in My sight. (2 Peter 3:8) Anyhow, I thought I’d talk to some mortals to try and get a perspective on what they think the problem is. What do you think is wrong? How come you’re all so bellicose and divisive? It’s fairly entertaining, but I’m about ready for a new show. It’s like a crummy television series these days—all AK47’s and RPG’s and helicopters and intrigue."

I said, "I guess You won’t give up Free Will, huh, and just train people like so many puppies?"

"No, John, Free Will is one of my greatest inventions. I’ve been thinking about the Seven Deadly Sins. I could maybe eliminate one of those. But which one would I cut out? Plus, I like the alliteration of Seven Deadly Sins. ‘Six Deadly Sins’ doesn’t have the same cachet, does it? And which one do you think it should it be?"

"Well, G. A., it seems to me You could maybe eliminate Greed. Gluttony is sort of mild and the main person it hurts is the self. Lust is a so-so Sin—but you cover that in the Ten Commandments pretty well. Sloth is coming along as a pretty serious one, but it’s not as bad as Greed right now. Wrath can turn serious, but only if we injure or kill as a result of it, and you’ve got that covered in the Ten Commandments, too. Envy is a lot like coveting, isn’t it? Pride—well we know Pride Goeth Before a Fall. So Greed could be eliminated. It might really help. How would that work, anyway?"

"Oh, I could just make everyone not greedy. People would be satisfied to have what they actually need. That might make for a better world. I’m sure reluctant to have only Six Deadly Sins, though, John."

"How about this, G.A.—add "Talking too loud on your cell phone in public places" as the Third Deadly Sin. All the others would then keep their places in the list, and You’d still have Seven."

God chuckled. "I like the way you think, John. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna sit down with a few people, Teresa, maybe Peter, the two Joans (of Arc and Crawford), and of course, my Son, and Paul. I mean Paul Newman—he’s gonna be a great addition here—the other Paul, the Saint, gets on my nerves. We’ll hash this over and see what ideas seem best after I’ve talked to several others. Actually I’m talking to about a million other people right now as I talk to you. I tried five million numbers, but on most of them I got Voice Mail or put on Hold. My team and I will tabulate everything, and you should see some results in the next few days. Except remember, a thousand years is but a day in My sight. Nice talking to you, John. G’bye."

"Bye, God. You be with You." Somehow I didn’t feel very optimistic.